As I thought I realized, I was her once. The trach discussion took place a few times when Isaac was struggling, but I never really took it seriously – there was no way MY kid was going to need it. When it did become inevitable I cried. I cried for hours. I sat and rocked my baby and cried. I mourned him. I mourned my dreams for him. I mourned the life I thought he would live, that seemed to no longer be a possibility. I had no idea how much I would eventually love that trach.
I thought his life was over, I had no idea it was just beginning. My knowledge of the topic was limited. I thought a trach would hold him back, not make him normal.
In reality it was giving him life. We had watched this baby struggle to breathe for so long.
I now have a happy, pretty healthy (when you ignore that awful reflux and pretty crappy right lung!) 7 year old. He happens to have a trach. He did not live up to my nightmare expectations of a trach. I pictured a life attached to vents and tubes and limitations – as this is what we generally envision. I had no idea how happy and free he would be because of the trach.
The lost life I was mourning is the life he is living – because of that trach. Without it, he simply wouldn’t be.